Interracial marriages (64,337 views)
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Post by J on Aug 6, 2018 15:15:12 GMT
My parents have always told me that when I get married I NEED to marry someone who is Indian and in the same caste. They told me that if I do get married to someone who’s not brown I won’t have their blessings. I necessarily don’t agreee with their beliefs but I decided to follow through. I dated some Indian guys who I just didn’t have a proper connection with. (It wasn’t because they were Indian) anyways a few years later I’ve been dating this guy who is white. And i fell in love with him instantly. We’ve been dating for almost a year and I’m terrified to tell my parents about him. He’s smart, he’s educated, he’s kind. But just because of his skin colour Idk if my parents will approve :/ any advice on how to tell them about him?
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Post by J on Aug 6, 2018 15:20:55 GMT
*also just to add on my relationship with my parents is great, I’m always kind with them and we have a great big happy family. My dads main concern for me was to go to university and get a good job to support myself and that’s exactly what I did. Everything is great but I’m scared this will ruin everything. My boyfriend is absolutely amazing and I can’t imagine being with anyone else. His family also supports us which is wonderful too.
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Post by J on Aug 6, 2018 15:21:42 GMT
*also just to add on my relationship with my parents is great, I’m always kind with them and we have a great big happy family. My dads main concern for me was to go to university and get a good job to support myself and that’s exactly what I did. Everything is great but I’m scared this will ruin everything. My boyfriend is absolutely amazing and I can’t imagine being with anyone else. His family also supports us which is wonderful too.
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Post by Wow on Aug 13, 2018 23:14:54 GMT
It's your life! Your parents should want nothing but happiness for you.
Yes, they want someone brown and possibly your caste, but what happens if you are not happy? What if the relationship is not a good one? Do they not see that?
I have a friend (male) who was in this situation. He loved someone who was not the same caste as him, and his parents forced him to leave her and marry in his caste -- guess what?! They argued everyday of their marriage...they were not happy and then they stupidly had a kid (because that would solve everything!)....@ the end of but all, they divorced and are happier for it. And guess what? My male friend married someone who makes him happy - she's not the same caste and NOW his parents understand!
So tell your parents that...maybe the D word (divorce) will make them understand.
I wish you the best of luck ❤
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Post by BoldandBrown on Aug 13, 2018 23:14:57 GMT
I also am Indian and in an interracial relationship. I find that introducing them slowly, first as a friend then by slowly telling your parents about your feelings works. At the end of the day, brown parents really just want you to be happy. Mine now love my native american/white boyfriend and he's even met my extended family. It just takes time
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Post by FarhanNastik on Aug 13, 2018 23:18:38 GMT
Hi you, I think it's great that you have a lovely relationship with your family and you've found love with your boyfriend. If I were in your place, I'd go all guns blazing and do whatever I want and not give a fuck about anything and if conservative people, like my parents and relatives, didn't like it, it would be their problem. But I'm not very attached that way to familial complexities and my situation would be different. Since you say that they are kind but that have beliefs in the caste system and want you to marry any tommy dikeshwar hari Indian fellow, but you can't and you must be with your boyfriend, the solution is simple, write a letter to them after you introduce your boyfriend to them saying he's a friend. In that letter, or whatsapp voice note, tell them your dilemma and how you want to be with this man and how you know only this will make you happy but you want them to be happy for you too. Trust me, everything will fall in place with time, they will learn to accept like love him even if there's some initial turmoil. Don't lose hope and give up, just go for it. In situations like this, it's best to breathe and just go for it, go talk to your parents and just blurt it out. They love you, they will understand, keep talking to them and convince them. I hope everything works out soon for you.  |
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Post by Friendly follow on Aug 13, 2018 23:24:41 GMT
Hi! When people have beliefs that are race or caste related it is because their beliefs are general and have no human perspective. Send a racist around the world, introduce him/her to real people and humanize the people they are racist against, and I guarantee you their bigotry will go away. In the same way definitely indroduce him to your parents and humanize him to them so he isn’t just some “white guy.” If you like him I’m sure your parents will develope some sort of relationship with him too! When you have humanized your boyfriend to your parents and they don’t just think of him as a white boy but as the person he is, then maybe reveal you are dating him! Hope this helps! Worked for me! |
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Post by Lani on Aug 13, 2018 23:28:10 GMT
Hi. I'm Lani. I'm white. I'm opposite to you.. I'm dating an indian boy and at first we always had his friends not support us and say 'it's not going to work because she's white'. He had a hard time telling his parents about us, I'm not sure how he did it but they are supportive now. He said they have a saying about 'we will just reap in your happiness' so as long as he is happy. We still have a lot to work on with others in his family but mummy ji and daddy ji and Veer and didi are supportive and for us that is enough. I think a turning point for his family was when he sent photos of us at the gurdwara together, told them I try to cook indian dishes for him and attempt to speak Pubjabi to them. I know its not the same and this probably hasnt helped. But for us I think his family(and my partner), didnt want to loose his identity, they wanted their grandchildren and children to grow up to identify and be proud and strong Punjab & Sikh and for me to show that they wont loose that just because of me really made a difference.
He also told me his brother (who is still in India) and is rebelling against his parents, possibly because of a girl. Nav has told him as long as he really likes this girl and she is smart and polite that Nav will talk to his parents to help them understand. I get it from their perspective, they're just worried about it but you just need to give them time to adjust and give them value on their beliefs about this then prove them wrong..
I hope this helps xx
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Post by Roshani on Aug 13, 2018 23:51:15 GMT
My parents always expected the same of me and it was terrifying to tell them about my boyfriend (who is also white). My dad was incredibly upset at first, and it took about 6 months for him to just talk to me again without yelling at me. He's gotten to know my boyfriend now and we've been together for 6 years. At the end of the day they just need time to accept u'llthat their expectations for you aren't always going to be met. And maybe stress to them that you're truly happy with your boyfriend and that he treats you well. It might take some time and dealing with them getting used to it, but the biggest thing is giving them time to adjust. They love you, you love them, and your boyfriend loves you. They want what's best for you, it'll just take time to see what they thought was the best for you isn't what you need
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Post by Hannah on Aug 14, 2018 2:41:33 GMT
I was sort of in this predicament, but it didn't end well for me so I want to let you know what I wish I'd known before. First of all I'm white and I dated a Pakistani guy who's family wanted him to be with a Pakistani girl. He pretty much just dropped the fact that I was his girlfriend on his family during our first meeting, which probably wasn't the best idea.
So I think introducing your boyfriend as just a friend at first is a good idea because then your family won't necessarily feel he is a threat and just grow to like him as a person. And then later you can let your family know you are dating and they won't automatically make judgments about him.
Secondly, make sure your boyfriend knows what to do and what not to do in front of your family. For me, my ex boyfriend didn't really tell me that his family dressed more conservatively so I showed up to the first night out with his siblings in short shorts (cause it was summer and I just didn't think twice about it). Only later did I realize that his family was making judgments about me because of that. Or things like making sure to always greet older people when you arrive somewhere. I didn't think it was a huge deal if I didn't say hi to his mom right away if she was busy doing something, and only later I learned she thought I was disrespectful because of that. And I guess an extension of that, if your family is very set in their cultural ways make sure your boyfriend is okay with all that comes with that. For me personally there were definitely elements of Pakistani culture that went against values I'd grown up with so I would've had a really hard time adapting to please his family and fit in.
I hope it works out for you! Personally I'm glad I don't have to deal with my ex's family anymore, even though it was incredibly hard to have that relationship end. But at the end of the day, your family and your partner are hopefully two relationships you have that can coexist peacefully, you just may have to strategically get them on the right step
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Post by Pranjal on Aug 14, 2018 2:52:10 GMT
My parents have always told me that when I get married I NEED to marry someone who is Indian and in the same caste. They told me that if I do get married to someone who’s not brown I won’t have their blessings. I necessarily don’t agreee with their beliefs but I decided to follow through. I dated some Indian guys who I just didn’t have a proper connection with. (It wasn’t because they were Indian) anyways a few years later I’ve been dating this guy who is white. And i fell in love with him instantly. We’ve been dating for almost a year and I’m terrified to tell my parents about him. He’s smart, he’s educated, he’s kind. But just because of his skin colour Idk if my parents will approve :/ any advice on how to tell them about him? I think that what you have in your favour is their internalised racism and prejudice. Because a lot of brown parents are actually really influenced by the west and find them to be a little “up there”. In my personal experience, brown parents have a thing about white women being too ‘open’, ‘sl*tty’ and ‘sex positive’ (not that they’d word it like that). And while that normally sucks, you can use that to your advantage. Introducing a white friend is far easier than if you were Punjabi and wanted to marry a Tamil boy. So try introducing him as a friend. Ask him to really invest some time beforehand in understanding the works of your culture, the way you greet parents (for example, ask him to say namaste instead of hello, if that’s the kind of thing your parents find Sanskari). But make sure he doesn’t overdo it, it should just be enough to make them feel comfortable with him so they don’t automatically see him as a foreigner. Make sure he meets them regularly, is always kind and patient with them. You really do have to be patient with your parents, because they can’t change their mindsets overnight, after being conservatives for almost 30-40 years. Before you introduce the idea of a relationship, do make sure they really like him. That will make it much easier for them to eventually accept the relationship, but I think it will still receive a little resistance. That’s when you really have to keep pushing. Don’t call him your boyfriend. Say you think that you have feelings towards each other. That you think your goals are aligned and you see a good future together. Use ideas that parents look for in a marriage; ‘love’ is generally not enough for them. Say he’s extremely supportive of your career, and he himself is well-established (don’t say anything that’s not true at all, but it’s torally fine to exaggerate a little). If they really go on the back foot, keep saying that HE really cares about your parents’ approval and doesn’t want to do this without your consent. It’s a shitty thing to play on societal misogyny, but you survive the way you have to. Ask him to talk to them sometimes, let them “interrogate” him, make sure he’s well prepared. I think that they should come around eventually. And if they don’t, lmao, your parents aren’t always the end of the world and you have to put your own interests before them. They love you, but they may not always do what’s emotionally the best for you. |
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Post by Guest! on Aug 14, 2018 3:24:11 GMT
Just tell your parents - in a calm, loving manner. It’s most important to be true to yourself and stop inadvertently lying to them about your life. Make sure that they realize you and your boyfriend are in love and that his family is really nice! Emphasize how happy he makes you. If they really love you, they might be mad for some time, but they’ll come around soon enough. If they really love you, they’ll realize that having their daughter in their life as a happy person is more important than anything. If they need time to come to terms with it, you can rely on your boyfriend and his family for support while your family deals. In the end, always stay true to yourself. It’ll be better for you and your family in the long run. I hope it all goes well and that is helped you a little! |
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Post by anonymous1 on Aug 14, 2018 5:38:11 GMT
i have an aunt who married a jewish guy, she was the youngest of three sisters and both her other sisters married indian guys. she felt a lot of pressure from her parents, especially her mother to do the same as her sisters, but she feel in love with this guy and wanted to marry him. at first, of course, her mom was very skeptical and did not give him a chance to prove he is a good guy. however, once she realized this was happening no matter what, she gave him a chance and they call each other mother and son. he is such an important part of our family and everyone loves him. point of the story- although it may seem they will never give their blessings, the most important thing to them is that u are happy, and if they see this guy treats u right, makes u happy, and is a good person, i guarantee they will love him and support ur relationship.
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Post by Xxx on Aug 14, 2018 6:58:22 GMT
If they love you. Which they should as your parents, then they should accept it. I'm in the same situation with a non Muslim and Indian partner and I keep telling them that I'm not a Muslim, I don't believe in a god and it usually ends in them cutting me off financially and screaming then I'm like okay bye and they just come back apologising. I've got no relationship with my parents personally because I don't follow their controlling rules and I just hide it. If they can't take who I am without following their bull rules then bye innit.
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Post by Buddy on Aug 14, 2018 7:23:58 GMT
Okay so. This advice might be slightly shitty. But iif your parents are not okay with interracial marriages. Do the pet trick. Introduce them as a friend and make sure your parents get attached to them to the point that if they don’t visit like they usually do, etc. They notice a difference and miss them. Then (very) slowly introduce the idea of something more than a friendship, and then eventually marriage. Ofcourse at first they might not be okay with it because ... obv. But in the process of doing what you want, you cant please everybody, eventually they’ll get used to it and even be happy with the marriage. The same exact thing happened to my aunt. Her parents wanted an arranged marriage for her tho. So it’s slightjly differnt . But she decided to do a love marriage anyways. My grandma didn’t talk to her for a year. But she’s like her favourite daughter now!
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