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Post by hi on Sept 10, 2018 21:48:36 GMT
Hi everyone,
I'm approaching 21 years old and have been keeping my boyfriend a secret for nearly 4 years now. I've been wanting to tell them for a few years now but I'm currently taking a year out studying and living at home and... he is white. If I told them, it would pretty much be over for my freedom and seeing him. I never told them in the first place because they would end it and we wouldn't have a chance to be where we are today. It's a pretty serious relationship so I have confidence in telling them once I no longer have to live at home.
Recently, it has become especially hard. We just went to a interracial LGBT wedding which was incredible but deep down I knew how much they disagreed. We then went to visit some family I've never met before and o m g they were old-school. We got told to cover up our bodies and I felt sooo uncomfortable. It made me come back and think about how much I disagree with my parents opinions on virtually everything. I've just had a conversation with my mother about how I believe girls should wear what they want and I was met with comments such as 'girls should be classy' and as soon as you develop boobs they need to be hidden and kept to yourself'. It's just so frustrating how they could expect me to be anything like them and agree with them.
Is anyone else living a secret life that their parents don't know? Does anyone else feel the same way?
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Post by Sup on Sept 24, 2018 2:44:39 GMT
Hey! I understand your situation. I'm 21 and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now and he's white also. My parents don't any an idea about it because I'm not allowed to date either. I'm in my last year of living at home with them, but I don't plan on telling them about him until I'm financially independent (just in case they're so against us that I need to disconnect). Unfortunately, parents don't change sometimes. They've been raised with this thinking and lack the open-mindedness. My parents moved to the US when I was small so we could have a better life, but then they expect us to follow the old conservative traditions.
If you find something beautiful, don't wait for other peoples approval. I know they're your parents and they mean something to you, but in the end it's you who has to live with the decisions you make. You shouldn't sacrifice your happiness for people who can't look past someone's skin color or religion. If they truly love you, they will try to accept your choices. They don't have to necessarily agree, but they should let you be happy. Worse comes to worst, you pack your bags and surround yourself with positive people who love and support you unconditionally.
I wish you the best! I hope you and your boyfriend live a wonderful and happy life together because you deserve that happiness. You're not alone in this and don't feel guilty for using your free will.
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Post by basmati.bae on Nov 9, 2018 14:44:10 GMT
Hi I felt particularly compelled to speak on this because of the nature of my relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 years now, we started going out in high school so I decided to push to go to college away from home and start on the track of financial independence pretty early. It was really difficult...my family was completely unsupportive and not understanding of my need to be financially independent when living alone- they kept pressuring me to quit my jobs, wouldn't acknowledge the fact that I had to go to work and would make plans involving me without consulting me, and when I did end up getting fired from one job and relying on them they gave me only like $100 a month aside from rent to live off of, it was really difficult as a 18/19 year old!
I say this all and I know it sounds very negative but let me reel it back...I love my family a lot, I grew up helping them in their convenience store and my brothers and I really faced a lot of tough situations, we struggled a lot together, and from a young age we always told each other that we would never be the reason our mother would cry at night. Anyway, when she did find out about my boyfriend it was really difficult..hes Afro-latino and the first encounter of racism he had was from my family, I hate that I had exposed him to that...
After I got an idea of their reaction I went back to keeping things a secret for another few years, but it was so difficult...I had moved even further away and was working part time while going finishing college (I'm currently 25 and just a year away from my BA...this whole situation has made the road to success pretty rocky for me). Eventually I just told my mother flat out that I wouldn't leave him. She didn't speak to me for half a year, no one did really except for my youngest brother. it took a huge toll on my relationship, and my mental health, I definitely faced a lot of feelings of regret and instability. That was just before Ramadan, and I was going to the mosque often to pray but also to just eat because I was so broke I had to pick between food or rent. It had become really difficult not to feel a lot of resentment at the time, but I really needed to get on my feet and get a real taste of successful independence before going back to them, and when I finally did things got a lot better.
I wound up getting a promotion at my job into a salaried position- the time I had away from my family really propelled me to do things I often didn't have the time or chance to do before and within a few months I had been able to make strides. After I got the job, I did finally get the balls to call my mom to tell her the good news, and surprisingly enough she was pretty pleased! I cried on the phone, and she laughed at me. Since then we've been working on mending out relationship, it has been really difficult..shes said a lot of hurtful things on and off since then, and the pain never completely went away, I did go to therapy for some time as well. But in reality, financial independence played a huge role in being able to be where I'm at with them now. They know that the only reason I'm present in their lives right now is because I love them, not because I need anything from them. They don't feel used by me, and I don't feel used by them. I've just kept going back through all the pain, there have been days when my brother or father won't look me in my eyes once, but dispute it all I just aggressively love them through it all. They do still dislike my relationship, and I highly doubt my boyfriend will convert, and I will not pressure him to either. They want me to just settle down so that things are by the book, but the thing is I don't want to force someone to settle down with me when they're not ready. He's still pursuing his life goal, and I know that he wont feel ready to be married until he overcomes this huge hurdle hes been working on, so I'm giving him the time he needs.
Anyway, I hope my experience helps someone make a decision. I have so much more to say but I feel like I've written a lot more then anyone would read already anyway lol
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