Post by kindofsadaboutlife on Aug 20, 2017 15:24:58 GMT
From my earliest memory, I have visions of my dad hurting my mom. Some memories are skewed. Others, I bring up and my mom denied that they happened. My mom is either one of two sides: your dad is horrible, but I can't divorce him because we'd be poor and you'd make me look bad and it would be all your fault, or your dad is an amazing person. Now my dad is strict, but he isn't like all desi dads. He's horribly childish, he even treated his own parents like crap. He'd get drunk and his old, frail dad would cry that he came home without getting drunk. My dad did a lot of stuff to get to America and he makes sure that I constantly know that I'm a lazy POS no matter what I do. I graduated in the top of my class at a very good HS. My dad didn't care. He didn't care about my scholarship or any good opportunities I received. I'd put 18 hours into volunteer work and other activities each week. He told me I was wasting my time and I should be at home. Basically nothing I do is good enough, he always puts me down. I want to go to med school. He told me I can't do it. He said my mom couldn't become a nurse, but she's making six figures. He would follow my mom to work and I'm scared he's going to do that to me. He only beat me when I was younger because he knew I didn't have access to 911.
My mom is a shell of a person. I don't think shes ever felt real happiness. I know I'm a burden to her life. Yesterday, she called me a young lady five times because I spent too long in the bathroom (she stood in front of the door for five minutes and listened). I lost my contact lense case and she kept questioning what I was doing. She forcibly makes me take blood tests and stuff. I'm on birth control and I could never let her know. While my brother never does anything, if she catches me relaxing for more than five minutes, she screams at me and starts throwing examples of other brown kids who are "bad." I think when I was twelve, I told her I didn't care about looking pretty (she called me fat all the time) and all I cared about was school. She always says something random like "you're gonna get pregnant with a white or black guys baby you whore." She says "I'm allowed to say that because I'm your mom." All the while, my mom spends each night listening to gurbani and stuff saying that I'm not praying enough.
All the while, I've been trapped at home for the last eighteen years. I'm finally moving into a studio dorm not too far away (forty minutes) at my university in about a month, but I know my parents won't go away. They'll still keep stalking me. Isolation, bullying, dealing with sexual abuse at the hands of older Indian family friends has really made me depressed. I got diagnosed with major depression (obviously no one in my house cares). A couple of months ago I tried to kill myself, but I failed. At the end of the day, my mom said I really should've just killed myself and made her life easier. She said that I brought shame to her and "what would the aunties who work at the hospital say?"
My boyfriend, who is unfortunately white, has been the only person to stay up with me at night and make sure I'm doing fine. He tells me that my mess is his mess and that he'd never want to lose me. We've only been dating for nine months, but I've known him for three years. I've met his family and gone to his sibling's wedding. Everything was such a contrast from my life in the sense that his family actually loves each other. My parents say that white people are trash and if I dated a white guy, I should prepare for divorce. But I know they'd be divorced if they could too. My boyfriend's family is actually very tight knit. His dad is an engineer, his mom is a teacher, and my boyfriend wants to become an engineer too (he's highly intelligent and has good work ethic, he tells me that family is his number one value in life). His siblings are constantly at his parent's and grandma's house even though they're married. His sister lived at home throughout college. My boyfriend even took me to my grandma's house and I felt so loved for the first time in my life. I mean, I get hugged and told I'm loved every time I greet them, but everyone is so happy. While it's great, it's soul crushing. Obviously my parents would never allow our relationship. They can't see past their own ignorance. Heck, my dad says he should've thrown me in the garbage as soon as I was born.
And I'm not entirely sure of what to do. I can't imagine letting a guy as great as my boyfriend slip out of my life. I feel like I hit the jackpot. I have great confidence in our relationship because both my boyfriend and I agree on dating only for the long term. Both his siblings got married to their high school boyfriend/girlfriend and they're all still together and really in love. I feel like everything about this guy is so great. I can't imagine a relationship better than this (I have been in previous serious, over a year long relationships). But my parents still exist. And I can't tell what I mean to them. If I let this guy go, I might be miserable for the rest of my life. If I let my parents go, all I'd really be losing is being treated like garbage and monetary support. But at the same time, cutting them off feels drastic. And I really want to be successful. Becoming a doctor and then telling them about my relationship would probably help assert authority, but that's the only time I can imagine telling them that I'm in love with a white guy. I can't afford college on my own, although my bf's family said I'm more than welcome to stay with them if need be.
My mom is a shell of a person. I don't think shes ever felt real happiness. I know I'm a burden to her life. Yesterday, she called me a young lady five times because I spent too long in the bathroom (she stood in front of the door for five minutes and listened). I lost my contact lense case and she kept questioning what I was doing. She forcibly makes me take blood tests and stuff. I'm on birth control and I could never let her know. While my brother never does anything, if she catches me relaxing for more than five minutes, she screams at me and starts throwing examples of other brown kids who are "bad." I think when I was twelve, I told her I didn't care about looking pretty (she called me fat all the time) and all I cared about was school. She always says something random like "you're gonna get pregnant with a white or black guys baby you whore." She says "I'm allowed to say that because I'm your mom." All the while, my mom spends each night listening to gurbani and stuff saying that I'm not praying enough.
All the while, I've been trapped at home for the last eighteen years. I'm finally moving into a studio dorm not too far away (forty minutes) at my university in about a month, but I know my parents won't go away. They'll still keep stalking me. Isolation, bullying, dealing with sexual abuse at the hands of older Indian family friends has really made me depressed. I got diagnosed with major depression (obviously no one in my house cares). A couple of months ago I tried to kill myself, but I failed. At the end of the day, my mom said I really should've just killed myself and made her life easier. She said that I brought shame to her and "what would the aunties who work at the hospital say?"
My boyfriend, who is unfortunately white, has been the only person to stay up with me at night and make sure I'm doing fine. He tells me that my mess is his mess and that he'd never want to lose me. We've only been dating for nine months, but I've known him for three years. I've met his family and gone to his sibling's wedding. Everything was such a contrast from my life in the sense that his family actually loves each other. My parents say that white people are trash and if I dated a white guy, I should prepare for divorce. But I know they'd be divorced if they could too. My boyfriend's family is actually very tight knit. His dad is an engineer, his mom is a teacher, and my boyfriend wants to become an engineer too (he's highly intelligent and has good work ethic, he tells me that family is his number one value in life). His siblings are constantly at his parent's and grandma's house even though they're married. His sister lived at home throughout college. My boyfriend even took me to my grandma's house and I felt so loved for the first time in my life. I mean, I get hugged and told I'm loved every time I greet them, but everyone is so happy. While it's great, it's soul crushing. Obviously my parents would never allow our relationship. They can't see past their own ignorance. Heck, my dad says he should've thrown me in the garbage as soon as I was born.
And I'm not entirely sure of what to do. I can't imagine letting a guy as great as my boyfriend slip out of my life. I feel like I hit the jackpot. I have great confidence in our relationship because both my boyfriend and I agree on dating only for the long term. Both his siblings got married to their high school boyfriend/girlfriend and they're all still together and really in love. I feel like everything about this guy is so great. I can't imagine a relationship better than this (I have been in previous serious, over a year long relationships). But my parents still exist. And I can't tell what I mean to them. If I let this guy go, I might be miserable for the rest of my life. If I let my parents go, all I'd really be losing is being treated like garbage and monetary support. But at the same time, cutting them off feels drastic. And I really want to be successful. Becoming a doctor and then telling them about my relationship would probably help assert authority, but that's the only time I can imagine telling them that I'm in love with a white guy. I can't afford college on my own, although my bf's family said I'm more than welcome to stay with them if need be.