I'm really sorry to hear that coming out to your mom went horribly wrong. It's really tough and painful. I'm also Sikh and I identify as queer, but I am more attracted to and happy with women than men. I'm also 30 and lately the pressure of getting married ASAP (obviously to a nice Sikh man) has been really stressing me out and causing a lot of anxiety. I always knew I liked girls and I even dated a woman while still living in my parents' home and it was so hard to hide it and it made me so angry that I even had to hide it. I do think that moving out made it so much easier for me to explore more of who I was and who I liked (although moving out was its own trauma - my parents are still fairly conservative and how dare their good sikh daughter want to move out before getting married!). I don't have great advice, but moving out and being on your own will help! I think if you've already brought it up to your mum, it might be something that you can circle back to as you get older. Do you have other family members you can share this and confide in? I told my brothers and it helped me a lot to have at least some people in my family know more about who I am.
Also, there was a London based group called Sarbat that visited NYC once (I used to go to a south asian queer support group and they networked with them). I remember all I wanted was for something like that to exist here for that support. Check them out!
www.sarbat.netAs for reassurance. We are absolutely okay being Sikh and queer/gay/lesbian/trans/what have you. Check out the articles section of that website; there's a leaflet on Sikh Views on Same Sex Relationships and I read it every now and then to reassure myself. I still struggle with connecting both of these identities for myself and I still bargain with God/the universe and feel guilt, but I also think that there is nothing wrong with who I am.
"If the ten living Gurus believed homosexuality to be sinful, then they would have addressed the subject within the Guru Granth Sahib, and the fact that it has been ignored suggests that the Gurus considered it to be inconsequential because the primary function of dharma is to unite the individual soul which is genderless with the supreme soul which is also genderless.
Gristhi Jeevan, or living the life of a householder, applies equally to same-sex relationships as it does to heterosexual relationships. There are no barriers to maintaining a family lifestyle within a same-sex relationship, for example, by adopting children.
The Lavaan are non-gender specific, and so same- sex marriage is possible within Sikh Dharma."
I don’t even know where to begin, thank you so much for the advice it’s good to know that I’m not alone. I did check out Sarbat and it was quite helpful. I think i just need to come to terms with who I am myself and be okay with that.
Thank you! X
